In November 2011, I came to a dark realization that I was thoroughly unprepared for life. I could not remember any lessons to lean on to guide me through what felt like a total collapse. My anxiety and depression were overwhelming me, and it would eventually lead me down a very dark spiral into the ground. I considered leaving graduate school, immigrating to Europe or Iran, or even taking a one-way ticket to Mars. I just wanted to dissolve into the aether and be dispersed by the thousand winds. But I didn’t.

With my back against the wall, my desire to survive and conquer awakened. It took the form of an insatiable drive to paint. That drive came from a childhood memory that bubbled up from the crushing abyss of my self-loathing. I remembered my father’s old oil painting he had bought from a flea market of a pirate ship heading into the sunset and the afternoons I spent watching Bob Ross. In a moment of pure spontaneity and impulsiveness, I ordered a Bob Ross DVD: The Mountain Collection. Over the next few months, I spent several hundred dollars buying paints, brushes, and canvas. My first attempts to recreate Bob Ross were a failure, but nevertheless, I persisted. Every few days I would follow along with Bob as I learned how to put snow on mountains with the edge of the knife, creating evergreen trees with my fan brush, and to beat the devil out of my brush after washing them. I was a truly liberated soul while painting, which helped reignite the flames of spirituality within my dead heart.

Today as I sit writing in a small coffee shop by a river in rural North Carolina, I pay homage to creativity through my art and cooking.  I depend on these activities when I face a challenge at work or if my life expectations are dashed on the shoals of reality. Art gives me a true sense of freedom to experiment and safely fail without facing the tidal waves of judgment and pain. Every painting session reveals my own hidden potential. When I push myself to the limit of my creative abilities I know that I can overcome my own fears. I learned from those hours with Bob Ross that there are no mistakes, just happy accidents. Life is best approached as a painting and not an exam; you can only find the right look when you dare to let go of everything and just try it. Your grades, titles, and wealth mean nothing in the great adventure of painting the tapestry of your own life.